December

First of all,

MERRY CHRISTMAS PEEPS!

Hope you all made a christmas wish! I wish the very best to each and everyone and may the year ahead will be a fruitful one!

Christmas used to be the favourite day of the year for me but this year I spent it in my room watching dramas from the laptop. So lifeless ey. Well, I did countdown with some friends though at some random park. It was quite nice actually when everyone started shouting "Merry Christmas" as soon as the time turned 00:00. Love hanging out with my friends.

The life in Tawau is so chill/boring. There's nothing to do here except for high tea, movies, drinking and the pace here is like so slow. It's quite nice though if you really want to rest or to relax a bit and we have tons of good food here. So, it's a really nice place to gain weight! And I gained a lot of weight since I got back. Sigh!

And so, I know I talked about wanting to rest and stuff but then the stress and sadness were too much for me. So, I got back together with him when he talked to me. I know its not the best choice but I really can't give up on him just yet. Especially, when he asked me to come home to him. He said that he's my home and my heart melted instantly. I know I'm stupid but I really couldn't stand the cold war. So yeah, we're back together and I thought nothing would change if we get back together. But in fact, nothing really stayed the same after the fight. Now I don't even know where I stand. Sigh. We'll see how it goes.

Overall, December has been a really tough month for me and I just wish that things will get better in 2013. All the best and wish me luck. *fingerscrossed*

p/s: Will try to change my blog design soon. Couldn't even stand it myself. Please bear with me for now.

Loads of love

XXX

"Santa can you hear me? I just want to be happy and that's my only wish this year."

What I Need

I can't do this anymore. I really have to let go now. I love him so much and it hurts so much to know that he lied about loving me when he actually still love her. I can't take it anymore. I just need to run away from all of these and I need to be alone. I just hope that I can have the rest I need without anyone telling what I should or should not do. Please just leave me alone for a bit. I just need some time to get better. I really can't take it more. It's too much on me and I'm suffocating. I just need some time.

"Time heals every pain but it is also the hardest medicine to take."

My break

Have you ever felt so tired. The kind of tired that you can't just sleep it away. I really trusted him I really did. I gave him my heart but he didn't appreciate it. Now I'm left with all the lies and excuses which I thought was the truth. How funny I was to really open up to him, thinking that he's my future. I really think it's the best to have a break just to be by myself. I don't want to put myself at a position where people can just let me down so easily and I can fall from heaven to hell within seconds. I'm gonna keep my heart to myself and not giving to anyone anymore. Be with someone - you get happy - you hope - they break their promises - they break your heart. Same things keep happening and I'm really tired with this kind of shit. Oh well, life goes on.

XXX

"Sometimes we have to let go of what's killing us, even if it's killing us to let go."

My Apologies and Catch Up!

I think I kind of have forgotten that I have a blog and deserted this place for a bit. Sorry about that. Now where do I start. So many things happened in the last few months. Too many changes, some good some bad.

Well, first of all, I GOT INTO UNIVERSITY OF BATH which is ranked top 1 for Accounting and Finance last year! ^^V Yay for me! However, being a Science student for all the years I've lived, sudden change to a humanities course is killing me, like literally. Same routine every day: Go for lectures. Stone. Go back to my room. Go for Seminar. Stone. Go back to my room. There is not a single thing that I can understand but it's getting better now because I met a lot of lovely and wonderful people here mostly Malaysians. They make me feel so comfortable and not so homesick. I still remember when I first got here I don't know a single sole and I just locked myself in the room and anti-social and skype with all my beloved Concordians. I miss them so much. They really made me feel so much at home. All the time we spent together and it felt like we're really a big family. Will never forget them!

Next, I ended things with the doctor whom I mentioned is too mature for me. Mainly because I met someone who made me fall in love with him like *click* that fast. He's everything no one I've dated can ever be. He's sweet, responsible and funny. He always makes me laugh every time I talk to him and I like the way we talk, like we are best friends. Most importantly, he forever put me as his priority and he cares about how I feel. "I will double compensate all the pain he gave you. I'll treat you better than he did and I will not hurt you the way he did." That's what he said and he really did keep his promise. He always make me feel like a princess when I am with him. And he really likes to spoil me : Playing the fireworks for me when I got mad. Ran all the way down the street just to get me a bouquet of flowers. And buying me the things that I like. He said all the money spent on me is so much more worth it than spending it on himself if it can make me happy. It's been 2 months and he still makes me fall in love with him every day. I just hope that this time, it will last. But, who knows? 

P/S: I'll try to blog more often.

XXX

"To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and to be loved with the same one is EVERYTHING."

"Pretty" ~ Nicole Scherzinger

When I was your woman
And you was my man
You used to say the sweetest things to me
But you was always good at that
You used to tell me I was pretty
The best that you ever had
And there was nothing more important to you
Than being with the perfect ten

So my, my nails were done
I had my hair on point
Got my, my body tight the way you like it boy

Yes I played the part
Then you broke my heart
As if I mean nothing to you
Can't believe how you made me feel pretty

Pretty upset
Pretty broken
I feel so pretty
Pretty messed up
Pretty much done

Now without your so called pretty
All in all it pretty messed up
I don't wanna be pretty no more

When I was your woman
And you was my man
I tried to share my world with you
But you just did not give a damn
You just tell me I was pretty

As if that's all that I am
It's like you never even knew me
Or tried to get to know me
Was just an accessory
Oh can't believe
How you made me feel pretty

If I had to do it
All over again
I just swear its gon be hella different
Cause you made me question
Who I really am
I don't know why I put up with you
Can't believe
How you made me feel pretty


I don't wanna be pretty no more
Don't wanna feel pretty
Done with all your so called pretty
All in all it pretty messed up

"I don't wanna be pretty no more."

"I Will Always Love You" ~ Whitney Houston

If I should stay

I would only be in your way

So I'll go but I know

I'll think of you

Every step of the way

Bitter sweet memories

That is all I'm taking with me

So goodbye

Please don't cry

We both know

I'm not what you

You need

I hope life treats you kind

And I hope you have all you've dreamed of

And I wish you joy and happiness

But above all this

I wish you love

And I will always love you

"Please know that I love you more than anything else in the world."

Lost

I've been feeling really lost lately. Overwhelmed with mixed up feelings. Depressed, angry, surprised, excited, stressed and somehow I really don't know what to do to make myself feel better. It feels like there's something inside me that I can't get it away. Sometimes it makes me feel really hard to even breathe. I thought I would feel better if I could just cry everything out and have a really nice sleep after that then everything would be fine when I wake up. It always works, for me at least. But the problem is I ran out of tears. I think I've cried too much in the past and used up all the tears I have.

I don't even know how to describe how I feel. It's like I'm sad but I can understand his decision but I can't control myself to not be mad at him. I know it's wrong but I really feel like having a revenge on him but I know it's impossible coz he no longer cares or maybe he never did. I just want him to know the pain I'm going through but now that all he cares for is himself, there's nothing I can do to make him know. It's like hello?? I'm not blind nor illiterate. I can read you asshole. It would be really nice if you can be a wee bit more considerate on me.

However, it's true that a goodbye brings a hello. A quite cute guy talked to me and he's very sweet. He gives me surprises and always brightens up my day with the little things he does. But sometimes he can be a bit too mature for me? He doesn't realise the fact that I'm only 19 and I just wanna have some fun and do crazy things and play around. But oh no. "You shouldn't this. Why did you do that? I'm not happy." Oh okay. He's nice but I can't be myself around him. Yes he's romantic, supportive and stuff but I'm just not ready to be in a commitment. The worst part is I've only known him for a month and he's putting such pressure on me.

On top of all that, A-levels is killing me! I hope I'm gonna survive until this friday and I'll be on the plane flying back to Malaysia on the day after. Fingers crossed. I'm so gonna miss every single person I've met here and they will always be in my heart. I love them all! For my dearest friends in Tawau: Keep Calm. I'm coming home! Miss you guys so much and I'll be back to annoy you for three months! Be prepared!

Love everyone who made my life so Wonderful! Thank you for being in it!

"Life has many different chapters of us. One bad chapter doesn't mean it's the end of the book."

Awesome College Life I Have!

It has been ages since I last blogged. Let me brief you about my life lately. So, on our last week of school, we have PHOTO DAY on Monday, NERD DAY for Tuesday, PAST and FUTURE on Wednesday, DISASTER DAY on Thursday, CROSSDRESS on Friday and here comes the bomb.... GRADUATIONNNN on Saturday!!!!!! Everything was so perfect like a dream! I love all my dresses and costumes and most importantly.. I love all the memories I have with all the friends I cherish the most in my life. College will not be as AWESOME without any of them and I love them to the MAX!

The following Monday was Shayne's birthday and she thought we didn't do anything for her. She was so disappointed that she chased everyone out of her room and wined on her bed. Well... There wouldn't be any surprises if she's not sad enough. Hahaha. Fortunately she did like her surprise especially her PRESENTS!!

Then on Wednesday was Ding Sheng's birthday and the birthday boy wanted to go jogging at the time we wanted to give him a surprise and so all of us had to run straight after prep to their house! But it was really fun! All these bits and pieces are so precious in my life here and after 31 days we'll all go our separate ways. Thinking about this makes me feel so sad. Not sure when can we all gather together again. Sigh.

Looking back all the old photos made me realised how much we have changed and grown. We are not the one we used to be and we've been through so much more than the us we used to know. But no matter how much we've changed the old us is still hidden somewhere inside and will only come out once in a blue moon to remind us all the crazy things we've done. But still life goes on. It makes no harm to just stop for a rest and look back into the past but don't linger around too long, your dream is waiting for you.

Oh well, back to reality. Wish me luck in my A2! XXX

                                                                       Photo Day

                                                                         Nerd Day

                                                                        Graduation

 

                                                        Our After-Party Dress for Disco

"One day, you'll just be a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one."

HELLO FREEDOM!

So what if I really can let go and move on? After that every time I turn around you'd still be there in my past coz there is no way I can deny that I have loved you for five freaking years. I can't just erase you from my memories and for all that you had done for me, my heart still skips a beat every time I see you. Even if I really start over with someone new, there will always be a you there, a you that I was once so deeply in love with, the one that I can't forget completely and no matter what happens, it can always make me smile whenever I think of you.

Now, I finally got over you. It's not because of me not being able to let go of the things you've done that have hurt me so badly. You know I'll stick around no matter what as long as you still love me. But your answer had left me with no choice but to move on to the next chapter, a chapter without you. Still, I want to thank you for being so heartless and thank you for taking part in so many episodes in my life though you can't make it to the ending.

"He always did the leaving. But not this time. She kept walking and did not look back."

Gone

You're always holding them so tightly in your hands that all of your energy is used up just to make some things that are leaving to stay and suddenly you let go of them and then you just stand there, watching them fly, getting further and further away from you. Even until you can see it no more you'll still be staring at that spot where it disappears. And, finally, you close your eyes and let yourself fall onto the ground, trying to get used to the emptiness in your heart. 

It's gone.

"When you are dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part."

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Memories

There are too many things inside my mind. Too many scenes of us together that I can't erase. It just feels like it happened only yesterday. When you first kiss me on the forehead at the park. Our first date to the cinema watching Pirates of the Caribbean. You held my hand for the first time at the basketball court. I forced you to propose to me and asked you to lie to everyone that you're married while I'm here and you're there. Everything seems so fresh in my mind like it was not long ago that you held me in your arms tugging me into bed. All those words from your lips saying that how sad you were when I wasn't in the mood, how happy you were to see my smile and how much you love me. I can never forget the joy on your face and the love in your eyes when you put the ring on my finger. I don't know if you remember all the things that just won't let me go, holding me back whenever I thought that I got over you. You took one month to decide that you want to move on, but I think I need more time. I hope by the time I see you, I have moved on too.

"It's not bad memories that makes you sad but the sweet ones which you know will never happen for the second time."

Saturday Tests

The thing about Saturday test is that it's kind of important but not really that important. It's like you have to study for it but you don't really have to study too hard for it. Somehow, you just manage to make yourself busy doing other things like, watching drama and reading novels instead of studying but you will still study for it after like 11pm on Friday. After the exam you'll go like "Screw the result I don't care!" but then when you really get the paper back you'll be like "Stupid!! I know this one!!!". 

Or maybe I'm the only one who feel that way.. hmm..... oh well.. need to study.... 

Bye muacks XXX

CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!!!!! XD This year lets be brave, strong and super cool dragons in our lives!! This is my second year celebrating cny without being with my family and NO ANGPAU!!! T^T sobss.... However, I celebrated CNY with all my deary friends in Birmingham! We had our reunion dinner in Han Dynasty and it was sooo damn nice.. XD then we went for karaoke and I got a little but tipsy and caused quite a lot of problems for my friends and I'm so sorry about that.. >,< wont let it happen again...
And today we had bamboo for our CNY's eve dinner.. just like last year.. XD thn played bullshit and it was damn funny... feel so happy to have so many friends to celebrate CNY together.. XD

HAPPY DRAGON YEAR!!!!
xxx

My life

Want to know how I go through my days with a broken heart?

1. I listen to loud musics whenever I have nothing to do so that it can cover up the voice in my heart.
2. I keep laughing no matter what people say because I don't want to give any chances for my mouth to curve downwards.
3. I keep myself busy so that my mind won't wonder to places that I can't afford to step in.
4. I hypnotise myself to think of other things before I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up.
5. I get myself involved in a lot of social networking so that I can shift my attention to other people's businesses instead of yours.
6. I can't say the words i used to say to you easily.

Sometimes I really feel that I have gone back to the old me again. The only difference is I didn't know what love is back then but now I can't feel love anymore.

"Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends in a teardrop."

Coward

I miss you baby. Everything around me just seems to remind me of you. Remember I told you that I got used to the life without you when I broke up with you? Now I realised that because you were always there in my heart for 5 years so it feels like you're already part of my heart and you've exist like it is something that are supposed to be until I have forgotten that you're there because you wanted to not because you have to. How stupid I am to only figure it out now. Now you left my heart with a hole and there is this spot in there that can never be replaced by anyone. I just hope that as time passes by, I'll be able to get used to the hole. Maybe it'll take another 5 years or maybe more. I don't know. But I know that I had missed my chances and this is all I'm left with and I know that I deserve all the pain. Sorry but for your sake I have to keep myself as far away from you as possible. I have to block you in everything. Now I even find facebook dangerous because it connects people but I don't want to be able to know how you are doing. I really can't afford to hear anything about you. When I am done building thick tall walls in my heart, I'll stand in front of you and say hi to as a friend. Maybe by then I would have to give you best wishes on your new relationship? I just need some time then I'll be your friend, Olivia.

"And suddenly I become part of your past, I'm becoming the part that don't last, I'm losing you and it's effortless."

It's time

Time to let go and move one and the very first thing to do is not to decide where you want to go but is to decide that you're not gonna stay where you are right now..
Now I'm trying to take my first step, leaving where I'm standing now... The first step may be the hardest part but I think I can make it through.. I can't say that its a new start because I don't plan to forget all the things that had happened in the past, both good and bad.. all of those are precious memories and even if I can forget about the past, its still there. It wont disappear just like that. But I won't let it bother me anymore.. No matter where I go, I'll be really happy that I left..

"We all have time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Others take us forward, they're called dreams."

I'm always so surprised that you'd be the one to hold my heart. Although my heart has been broken for so many times, it's a miracle that I can still love you with all the bits and pieces. But, sometimes, I feel so restless to keep putting my heart in front of you and see you pushing it away again. However, I'm not afraid of trying again, I'm just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

I know I messed things up in the past and maybe you think that I don't love you but you're just wrong. As long as I still feel something it's not over. Believe me, sometimes I wish it was. But it's not, I can feel it. I know what I've done and regret it every day. If I could make things right you know I'd find a way.

I have tried to move on by shifting my attention to other guys and I did find someone who gave me the same feeling as the time I first saw you in the tuition centre, if you remember. But it doesn't feel right. Slowly, I can no longer see how good he is because in my heart you're already the best for me. Even if I turn my body away, my heart won't leave.

I just want you to know that when I tell you I love you, I don't say it out of habit or to make conversations. I say it to remind you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. How I wish you can hear all the things I'm too scared to say.

"Learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you had."

Pampered Flight =D

Surprise!!!! When I was boarding my flight from KL back to UK, Mas upgraded Sandra and my seats to BUSINESS CLASS!!!!!!! Oh my GGOOOOSSSHHH!!!! It's like going from hell to heaven!!! XD The food is awesome.. they serve it HOT on PLATES instead of in boxes.. And the seats can be turned into beds so we slept through most of the journey!!!! We even have appetisers before each meal.. BTW, mas actually didn't lie about all those tasty-looking food on the advertisements.. They just don't tell you that it only happens in business and first class.. hmmm.. >,<