Changes

Throughout the years, I've seen a lot of couples broke up because one of them thought that they could change their partners into someone they wanted them to be but realising afterwards that it is impossible for them to change. "He/She promised me that he/she will change but he/she lied." They always say. I have one question. Did you change? If no, why would you expect people to change while you stayed the same?

As time goes by, I realise that the best relationships don't just happen. It takes two people who are willing to make efforts and sacrifices to change themselves into two pieces of a puzzle that are complementary to each other, like how an enzyme fits to its substrate by moulding itself so that they could fit perfectly and only then, BAM, chemistry takes place. No, you don't just sit there and wait for your other half to change just because he/she loves you. It should be a process where two of you grow up alongside of each other, knowing what each other wants, putting yourselves in each other's shoes and understanding what you want.

Even in fairytales, Cinderella has to learn how to be a princess and Prince Charming has to accept the different way of thinking of a commoner for them to live happily ever after. Changes you make in relationships is not always a bad thing. It can mean that you are mature enough to not get head over heels with the sparkles in the early stages which will fade away very soon and make rational decisions to make your relationship last forever. 

"You don't change the person you love, you change with them."

Second chances

Wow, it's been looong since I last blogged. I was going to talk about my Italy trip when I got back in April but I was caught up with some stuff. Well, the thing is 'he' came back for me again and I let him back into my life. I know it's dumb but I really can't help it. I really like him a lot. I know, I hate myself too. Urghhh!

The reason he wanted me back was because he 'all of a sudden' thought of all the things we had gone through and all the memories we've made and 'suddenly' thought that he still loves me. Not a very good reason but what to do. I was living through hell and he was sort of like my medicine. However, that doesn't mean that I trust him completely. Sometimes, I'll start thinking if he'll just 'suddenly' thought of the memories of him with someone else and leave me for her? Does he really like me or is this just some 'temporary' flashback? If there's another girl will he still choose me? If he could let me go so easily the last time, am I really so important to him like he said? I don't know. If I had the choice I wish I could get him out of my life but the fact that I still can't let him go after all the pain he put me through is really so frustrating.

By the way, I know it's normal for guys to change after they've got you but it's really so hard to accept the once 'I really love you so much and I want to spend all of my time with you' boy had changed into a 'I need more of my own space' guy. Now, I have to look into the mirror and convince myself that I don't have a boyfriend (although we're not official yet) to not anticipate anything from him. No expectations, no disappoinment. That's what I tell myself every day. Maybe I should really really try to pull myself out. This is not the kind of relationship I want and I know I can do very well just being single. Hopefully, just hopefully, I can stop liking him.

Anyhow, who knows what will happen. Till then.

xxx

"If I forgive you once, don't mess up twice."

Care Less Hurt Less

Sometimes I don't know why I still get affected when I hear people saying things about me. I've had enough shits in my life and I really don't need you to add in more dramas in my life, my friend. I really don't understand why people have so much to say about shits I do as if you know what I'm going through. Oh please! I'm not really having the time of my life too but at least I don't make conclusions that easily. But what the hell. People's just gonna say and you'd have to live with it. Only at these times you'll know who are true to you and will be by your side till the end. I'll always be grateful to those who support me in whatever I do. Even when they don't agree with me, they still wouldn't judge the decisions I make. I'm so touched when some of my friends keep warning me to not get hurt for the second time and one even said she'll learn taekwondo just in case she needs to kick asses. HAHAHA! Literally made my day! Anyways, that's all for now. Gotta get back to work and God bless my workload!

xxx

Those random feelings

Sometimes, I really feel like I don't have enough middle fingers to express how I feel. Ugh!

Only One - Jason Chen

Even though you've never loved me, you're the only one
Even though you've really hurt me, you're the only one
How could I ever get over a love I never knew
I guess I'm still just a fool, you're the only one, the only one

I don't know how you make me feel this way
Never knew my heart could feel such pain
Why won't you just give me a chance to show I love you
Every time we try to talk, you just walk out the door

But every time I try to let you go, my heart holds onto you
No matter what I say or what I do, I feel like such a fool
Even when you lie right to my face, I wish that they were all true
I guess you just really wanna leave, so I'll let you go

How can I get you out my head, you're the only one
You will always be my baby, you're the only one
Even though you've never loved me, you are still my queen
I'm just a fool who's in love, you're the only one, the only one

I haven't felt your touch in so long, and the image of your smile is long gone
Did all the memories that we had shared mean nothing to you?
You lead me on, you broke my heart
So why can't I get over you?

Oh every time I try to let you go, my heart holds onto you, my heart holds onto you
No matter what I say or what I do, I feel like such a fool
Even when you lie right to my face, I wish that they were all true
I guess you were never mine, so why do I care?

Even though you've never loved me, you're the only one
Even though you've really hurt me, you're the only one
How could I ever get over a love I never knew
I guess I'm still just a fool, you're the only one, the only one

How can I get you out my head, you're the only one
You will always be my baby, you're the only one
Even though you've never loved me, you are still my queen
I'm just a fool who's in love, you're the only one, the only one


"You're the only one."

Ugh!

Deep down, I hoped that maybe someday, just maybe, that he would love me back. When I found out that he never did at all, I could barely contain the resentment that starts to build up in me. I used to think that how could you possibly love someone too much but you made it possible. Now, how much love I had back then for you turned into a proportionate amount of hatred and anger. Even though my heart tells me that you shouldn't hate someone for not loving you back, but could you blame me for hating someone whom I never thought of having a chance with and suddenly made me fell for him so hard and made me believe in all the fairytale stories that he lied about. He had my trust, all of 'em but it seemed so easy for him to just turn around and leave as if all of these meant nothing at all. It felt like "Well now that I've got you, I had fun and AU REVOIR!" Fuck you dude. Seriously, FUCK YOU! I am so mad that because of you I questioned myself. I asked if I'm really not good enough and you made me feel like I'm not worth to be loved. The heck was I thinking. Now I'll only blame myself for wasting my time and giving you chances that you obviously don't deserve. I wish you good luck and watch your back.

"If karma doesn't hit you, I gladly will."

修炼爱情

憑什麼要失望 藏眼淚到心臟
往事不會說謊別跟它為難
我們兩人之間不需要這樣
我想

修煉愛情的心酸 學會放好以前的渴望
我們那些信仰 要忘記多難
遠距離的欣賞 近距離的迷惘
誰說太陽會找到月亮
別人有的愛 我們不可能模仿

修煉愛情的悲歡 我們這些努力不簡單
快樂煉成淚水 是一種勇敢
幾年前的幻想 幾年後的原諒
為一張臉去養一身傷
別講想念我 我會受不了這樣

記憶它真囂張 路燈把痛點亮
情人一起看過多少次月亮
他在天空看過多少次遺忘
多少心慌

修煉愛情的心酸 學會放好以前的渴望
我們那些信仰 要忘記多難
遠距離的欣賞 近距離的迷惘
誰說太陽會找到月亮
別人有的愛 我們不可能模仿

修煉愛情的悲歡 我們這些努力不簡單
快樂煉成淚水 是一種勇敢
幾年前的幻想 幾年後的原諒
為一張臉去養一身傷
別講想念我 我會受不了這樣

笑著說愛讓人瘋狂
哭著說愛讓人緊張
忘不了那個人就投降

修煉愛情的悲歡 我們這些努力不簡單
快樂煉成淚水 是一種勇敢
幾年前的幻想 幾年後的原諒
為一張臉去養一身傷
別講想念我 我會受不了這樣

幾年前的幻想 幾年後的原諒
為一張臉去養一身傷
別講想念我 我會受不了這樣

“You never really stop loving someone. You just learn to live without them."

Valentine's letter not sent

Happy Valentine's Day Baby. I know I shouldn't be writing this but I really can't help myself. I hope that you're happier now since every thing is solved. I want the best for you even if it doesn't include me as long as it can make you happy and I'll be happy. I'm sorry I didn't reply the last text you sent me coz I really didn't know what to say. My heart stopped when I was reading it and my mind instantly went blank. I didn't even know how did I change into my pajamas and went to bed. I really didn't know what to do and it took me a few days to finally realise that we will never be together anymore. I know you didn't want to hurt me and that things are not working out between us but I kept holding on coz I really really really hoped that miracles could happen. How many nights I prayed and prayed just to go back to the time when we were so crazy about each other. All the memories felt like a dream I had in my sleep that was too good to be true and I can't even imagine that they really did happen to me. But like all dreams, I still have to wake up. I really thought as long as I don't give up, I could still be with you. I thought if I loved you enough, I could still stay by your side. I'm sorry that I was so selfish that I didn't care if I'd given so much pressure coz I was too afraid of living my life without you. So, I tried my best to not be your burden but then I realised being with me is already putting pressure on you, even when I'm not doing anything. There are so many times that I wanted to call you just to beg you to stay, that I don't want you to leave me. Every night I drown in my own tears wishing that you were here to tell me that this was only a bad dream. How can I still love you so much even after you've given me so much pain that has left me suffocating even when I breathe. Yet, I really still do.

"You're my addiction but also the prescription for my medication."

Beware!

Hey peeps! It's me again. I've been blogging quite a lot these days since I have nothing better to do. Poor forever alone single me. Okay, let's get to the point, I've recently found out about and finished exploring this amazing app called MTXX (美图秀秀) which made me realise why a lot of the photos I see online are so pretty. I swear this app is so awesome as it covers up all the flaws and it has so many filters that can make the photos 10 times more catchy. It can even slim down wherever your fats accumulate, on the photo only of course.

I've made an example with my own photo. Check it out!

For this photo I pushed my cheek in a little bit and blurred my eye bags. 

With the help of one of the filters and VUALAHH!!

Fascinating isn't it? But do remember to not talk to someone because you think he/she is very good-looking just by seeing their photos off the internet. I'm not saying all of them have their photos edited before posting it online, some of them really are pretty but just be aware that not all the pictures are real.

Although we have this app to make our photos look pretty, it doesn't change the way you look in real life. Therefore, I've signed up for the gym at my uni and have been working out quite a lot lately, at least more than I used to. Hopefully I can get my baby abs by summer so I can pull off my bikini! Fingerscrossed!

Introducing my new denim top! Love it so much.

(p/s: and some of my cam-whore photos as well)

I think that's it for now. Gotta get back to work. So many assignments. Bless me!

Love,

xxx

"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work."

The Voice

"Still love him do you?" There's always this voice coming out of no where in my heart asking me this question. "Do you love him?" One simple yes or no question that I'm not able to answer. Every day I live my life but every single night before I go to bed I can't remember anything I had done on that day. I can only say that I'm just living my life. The problem is I don't know what is in my life, or even worse, what is my life.

There are times when I feel like crying but then this voice came out again. "What do yo have to cry about? For the guy who never loved you? Or for being so pathetic to trust someone you knew right from the start that you shouldn't have did? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You deserve every thing you're feeling right now. You knew that he was too good to be true. You knew that he would break your heart. You knew it all but you chose to be blinded with what you wanted to believe. Blame no one." Then I'd end up laughing at myself. I did know, didn't I. Yet, I convinced myself that he had changed or maybe I felt like a dream come true to be the reason for his change. I thought my prayers were finally answered and I found a safe place to keep my heart. Maybe it was what I wanted to believe when I ignored the red alert that went off in my mind.

Now, I have to convince myself that I'm really happy to live my life on my own. No I don't need a guy to hold my hand and put it into his pocket just to keep me warm. No I don't need someone to put me into sleep at night and kiss me good night. No I don't need to wake up to a smiley face that greets me good morning. I love chilling by myself drinking my favourite Sangria and watching drama in my room. I'm enjoying my life with complete freedom. I'm so happy that I'm free from all the complicated relationship problems. That's what I say to myself every day. I love my life. I do.

There are also times when I put my hand on the left side of my chest. "You poor thing. How's the recovery going? I'm so sorry that I kept giving you to the wrong person even after I promised that I will take good care of you. Sorry that I left you broken. Sorry that I haven't found the medicine to fix you. Please just hold on for now and perhaps one day I'd find that right glue to put you back together. Hang in there."

"A broken heart is the price to pay."

Chap Goh Meh

Hey guys! Happy Chap Goh Meh to all of you! This is my third year of not celebrating Chinese New Year at home and I got no angpau, at least not with me. Sobs. So jealous of those who could go around houses to get angpau and dress up every single day and eat all the nice chinese food. Literally so homesick. Oh well, since we couldn't go back to Malaysia for Chinese New Year, we brought the chinese traditional celebration to UK.

At the night of Chinese New Year's eve, we had steamboat with aboleng and Yee Xin's yee sang! All of us wore red, at least most of us did, just to create the CNY atmosphere. Then on the first day of CNY, we went to a chinese restaurant for dinner but after the first day we had to go back to our normal routine lessons. Poor us! Finally, today, we had yee sang again and had a potluck just like our usual Sunday dinner and with more aboleng as well!

 Chinese New Year's Eve Dinner : Steamboat

 Chinese New Year Dinner : GONG HEY FAT CHOI

 Chap Goh Meh Dinner

Vain photo of myself. Heehee. (with hanjun's hand at the side)

Hope you all had a great Chinese New Year! May the year of snake brings you luck and all the things that you wish for. 

xxx

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

A Girl's Hobby

Have been really addicted in spending my money on all the pretty clothes. I don't know what others do to cheer themselves up but for me, shopping definitely helps to clear up my mind. Although you'll really cry looking at the inside of your wallet at the end of the day. Oh well, what to do. I'm just an ordinary girl who likes new clothes.

So I bought some oversized jackets from ASOS but none of them really fit me and went for window-shopping today at Topshop in the city. Please help me pick which one to get! :)

 I really wanted an oversized jacket but the cutting just doesn't fit me. Ugh! :(

Some bright colours to add into my wardrobe maybe?

*P/S: Ignore my belly*

Which one should I go for? Beach or Lady?

Wanted to get the pants from ASOS but they don't have my size. Love the pattern so much!

I started watching Gossip Girl again and now I'm at Season 4. It's so sweet to see Chuck and Blair together. When will I find my Chuck Bass. He's seriously so hot and sexy!

" Stop whatever you're doing. We need to shop."

世界姐妹日

永远做个 “聪明的女人” ：

1。不当三瓶：年轻时是花瓶，中年时是醋瓶，老年时是药瓶。
2。做三忘女人：忘记年龄，忘记病痛，忘记恩怨。
3。做三养女人：修养，涵养，保养。
4。做三丽女人：美丽，能力，魅力。
5。做三独女人：思想独立，能力独立，经济独立。

Lots of Love,
xx

"Walk like you own the place, talk like you know it all, and act like nothing can make you fall."

当你离开的时候 - 蔡健雅

我只能低着头发呆
让回忆渗透脑袋
渐渐变空白

我把它当作个意外
但内心还想不开
以为我明白 其实你都还在
我想起了 遇见你的时候
想起你眼中的温柔
想起了 我们第一次牵手 我闭上眼
想起 当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎 那么害怕失去我
然而到后来 我什么都没有
当你离开的时候

我可以装作已释怀
他对我也算关怀
他看不出来

我知道这样不应该
在他身上找依赖
算不算是种出卖 因为你一直在
我想起了 遇见你的时候
想起你眼中的温柔
想起了 我们第一次牵手 我闭上眼
想起 当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎 那么害怕失去我
然而到后来 我什么都没有
当你离开的时候

我想起你亲吻我的时候
想起你眼神中的沉默
想起了我们平静的分手 我闭上眼
想起当时你每一个承诺
把你整个心都交给我
然而到后来我什么都没有
越是没有你 越是心痛
我想起了 遇见你的时候
想起你眼中的温柔
想起了 我们第一次牵手 我闭上眼
想起 当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎 那么害怕失去我
然而到后来 我什么都没有

当你离开的时候

"When I fell for you, I fell hard."

Have you ever loved and lost somebody.

Do you ever think about me the way I think about you. Like you just want to lie down and have your eyes closed, just thinking how nice it would be to wake up and see me lying in your arms because each morning I wake up hoping to open my eyes to your sleepy face, hearing you say "Good morning my love".
But this will only be a fantasy. Can you tell me what can I do just to make myself realise that you're no longer there, that you've left. I just couldn't find a way to let my heart know that I'm on my own now. There's not gonna be a you there to hold my hand through anything and everything. Your absence literally made me realise that I really love you so much, so deep that every part of my heart is filled with memories of you. I know we're a mistake but if I had the chance to make a choice again, I know I would still make the same decision. You're the one mistake I really didn't mind. You're the best mistake I've ever made.

"Watching people leave is hard, but it's harder when you remember that 

they promised they never would."

The Stages of Healing

A re-post from my darling, Shayne's blog as I find it very true. 

The Stages of Healing:

1. Denial. You try to bury your thoughts and feelings about those experiences.

2. Self-blame. You try to explain what happened to you two by assuming you were somehow responsible for the ending, decimating your self-esteem as you work overtime to convince yourself that you would not have been hurt if only you had done things differently.

3. Victim. In this stage, you realised that you did not deserve the hurt you received. You might wallow in self-pity, expect little of yourself or lash out at anyone who "crosses" us.

4. Indignation. Then you get angry at the people who hurt you and at the world. You want the people who hurt you to pay and to suffer as you had.

5. Survivor. Finally, at this stage, you recognised that although you were indeed hurt, you survived. The painful past experiences took things away from you but gave you things as well. You will become aware of your strengths and welcome the return of everything that matters other than the pain.
6. Integration. In this stage, you start to acknowledge that the people who hurt you may have been doing the best he could, too. With this knowledge, you will eventually put the past in perspective ,without forgetting it but letting go of the pain, and get on with your life, unencumbered by the emotional damage.

After one and a half month, currently at the fourth stage. Two more stages to go. 

Sometimes I ask myself is it too much to ask for to be happy. If so, I'll only ask to just feel okay again. I really want my life back. I don't want to spend all the nights thinking all things I could've been doing, with you. I'm so tired of wasting all my tears for something that is not coming back. I want to feel again. I want to smile like I really mean it. I want to laugh without having to force it. I want to live. 

"I accidentally fell in love and you intentionally broke my heart."

Diary

Dear Diary,

I've been making some changes in my life. I've had my heart broken quite a few times and I really don't want people to play me around like a toy and throw me away when they get bored again. So, I've decided to try not to trust people so much. My friend said that I trust too easily. I'll also try not to be so judgemental and to not compare myself with others. Everytime when I compare myself with other people I'd feel like I'm really not good enough. Now, I want to just look at myself, be happy for who I am and be contented with what I have. I'll try to forget things that I don't want to remember and by doing that, I'm gonna start with not talking about it anymore. I really feel like letting go of my past and erase it completely but I know it's impossible yet I still want to give it a try. I'm really so tired with my life and I really hope that it'll get better soon. That's it for now.

Love.

"There's no starting over. No matter where I go, whatever I do, my past seems to follow me."

2013

Happy new year! I hope everyone had fun counting down and welcoming 2013. As for me, I spent my last few hours of 2012 and first few hours of 2013 in a club, being sober and watching people getting drunk and high and realising oh my freaking goodness everything is real. Lesson learnt: don't go to a club if you don't plan on getting drunk. Now I'm back in Bath, preparing for the exam and hating life. Sigh. Life is so stressful. Went back to my high school before leaving Malaysia and seeing all the juniors made me miss high school so much. In high school, there are like so many dramas that we can gossip about. It's not that we don't have any now but those dramas are different, they are more like the fun ones unlike the ones we have now. Seeing them in the uniform that we used to wear, that we used to hate so much brought back so many memories. Sometimes I wished that time could freeze during the time when I was still in high school when things seemed so complicated and yet simple at the same time. After high school, things seemed to go really fast and time really flies and in a blink of an eye, I'm no longer 19. It's really sad to realise that I'm turning 20 in three months when I feel like I just turned 16, like, yesterday. Oh gosh, I feel so old. Well, gotta get back to work. Wish me luck in my exam!

XXX